KNOW YOUR WORTH

Love Right, Live Right

By Naya Bloom

CHAPTER SIX

DON'T LOVE SOMEONE UNTIL YOU LOSE YOURSELF

There is a kind of love that feels beautiful at the beginning.

You are excited to hear from them.

You want to tell them everything.

Their happiness matters to you.

You begin making space for them in your life, and slowly, almost without noticing, they become part of your daily thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with loving someone.

The danger begins when loving them becomes more important than remembering who you are.

You stop asking yourself what you want.

You stop asking whether something is right.

You stop noticing what makes you uncomfortable.

You stop protecting your boundaries.

You stop spending time with the people who loved you before this person came into your life.

You stop pursuing your dreams.

You stop caring about the things that once made you happy.

And eventually, everything becomes about one person.

Their mood.

Their attention.

Their approval.

Their presence.

Their absence.

That is when love has stopped being something beautiful you carry and has started becoming something that carries you away.

KNOW YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE SOMEONE

This is why knowing yourself matters so much.

If you do not know who you are, another person can slowly define you.

They can tell you what to wear.

What to think.

Who to speak to.

What dreams are acceptable.

What friendships are acceptable.

What opinions you should have.

What parts of your personality they like.

And, eventually, you may begin shaping yourself entirely around their preferences.

Not because they forced you.

Sometimes you do it willingly.

You do it because you want to keep them.

You are afraid that if you say no, they will leave.

You are afraid that if you disagree, they will find someone else.

You are afraid that if you show your real personality, they will realize that you are not the woman they want.

So you begin editing yourself.

One piece at a time.

Until one day you look at yourself and wonder:

"Where did I go?"

LOVE SHOULD NOT ERASE YOU

A relationship should add responsibility to your life, not erase your identity.

Marriage will naturally change some things.

You will have responsibilities toward your spouse.

You may have children.

Your priorities will change.

You may move to another place.

You may adjust your schedule.

You may sacrifice some personal preferences for the sake of your family.

That is part of life.

But there is a difference between adjusting your life and abandoning yourself.

You can become a wife without ceasing to be a woman.

You can become a mother without ceasing to have dreams.

You can respect your husband without becoming incapable of making decisions.

You can build a home without giving up every part of the person you were before marriage.

You can love someone deeply without making them your entire identity.

YOUR BODY HAS A RIGHT OVER YOU

Islam itself teaches us that we have responsibilities toward ourselves.

The Prophet ﷺ once corrected ʿAbdullah ibn ʿAmr, who had been excessively devoted to fasting and night prayer. He told him:

"Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you."

— Sahih al-Bukhari 5199

This hadith is important because even worship has balance.

If your body has rights over you, then you should understand that you cannot simply destroy yourself in the name of loving someone else.

You need rest.

You need nourishment.

You need time to think.

You need to care for your body.

You need to protect your mind.

You need to maintain your relationship with Allah.

You need to have a life beyond one person.

Loving someone does not give you permission to neglect yourself.

WHEN THEIR HAPPINESS BECOMES YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

There is a difference between caring about someone's happiness and believing that you are responsible for keeping them happy at all times.

You are not.

Your husband will have bad days.

You will have bad days.

He will sometimes be disappointed.

You will sometimes be disappointed.

There will be disagreements.

There will be misunderstandings.

You cannot spend your entire life trying to prevent another human being from ever feeling unhappy.

That is impossible.

And if you make it your responsibility, you will eventually become exhausted.

You will start saying yes when you mean no.

You will apologize when you have done nothing wrong.

You will hide your feelings.

You will tolerate things that hurt you.

You will become afraid of honest conversations.

Not because you are peaceful, but because you are terrified of upsetting him.

That is not peace.

That is fear wearing the clothes of peace.

THE WOMAN WHO ALWAYS SAYS YES

There are women who believe being a good wife means never saying no.

They say yes to everything.

Yes, even when they are exhausted.

Yes, even when they are hurt.

Yes, even when something is unfair.

Yes, even when they disagree.

Yes, because they are afraid that saying no will make their husband angry.

But obedience in marriage does not mean becoming a person without a voice.

Respect does not require dishonesty.

Kindness does not require pretending.

And love does not require you to agree with everything.

A healthy marriage needs communication.

If something hurts you, say it.

If something worries you, say it.

If something needs to change, discuss it.

Silence does not automatically create peace.

Sometimes silence only allows a problem to grow.

THE THINGS YOU STOP DOING

Sometimes losing yourself is not dramatic.

It happens quietly.

You stop reading.

You stop learning.

You stop visiting people you love.

You stop praying with the same concentration.

You stop working toward your goals.

You stop taking care of yourself.

You stop laughing the way you used to.

You stop expressing your opinions.

You stop making decisions.

You stop asking questions.

You stop having dreams that do not involve your partner.

You begin measuring the quality of your entire life by the quality of your relationship.

If the relationship is good, you feel alive.

If the relationship is bad, you feel worthless.

That is a dangerous place to live.

Because human beings change.

Circumstances change.

Relationships change.

But your relationship with Allah must remain your foundation.

DO NOT FORGET YOUR AKHIRAH

Allah says:

"O believers! Be mindful of Allah and let every soul look to what it has sent forth for tomorrow."

— Qur'an 59:18

The "tomorrow" we should be preparing for is not simply tomorrow morning.

It is the Hereafter.

That verse reminds us to look at what we are sending forward.

And that includes the choices we make because of love.

What are you sending forward?

Your prayers?

Your patience?

Your honesty?

Your kindness?

Your obedience to Allah?

Or are you sending forward years of disobedience because you were afraid of losing someone?

A person who truly knows herself remembers that this life is temporary.

She may want marriage.

She may want companionship.

She may want a beautiful home.

She may want children.

She may want a successful career.

She may want someone who loves her deeply.

There is nothing wrong with wanting these things.

But none of them should become more important than the reason she was created.

WHEN YOU FORGET ALLAH, YOU CAN FORGET YOURSELF

The next verse gives us another powerful warning.

Allah says:

"And do not be like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves. It is they who are truly rebellious."

— Qur'an 59:19

Think about that.

Forgot Allah.

Then forgot themselves.

There is a connection.

When you forget your Creator, it becomes easier to forget who you are, why you exist, and where you are going.

And that is exactly what can happen in relationships.

You become so focused on keeping a person that you forget the One who gave you that person.

You become so afraid of losing a relationship that you forget your responsibility to Allah.

You become so desperate to be loved that you forget the value of your own soul.

You become so concerned about being someone's wife that you forget that before you were anyone's wife, you were already a servant of Allah.

DO NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE SMALLER FOR LOVE

There is a difference between making room for someone and making your entire world small enough to fit around them.

A good relationship should not require you to stop growing.

If you love learning, keep learning.

If you have a career or want to build one, pursue it within what is permissible and appropriate for your circumstances.

If you have talents, develop them.

If you have goals, work toward them.

If you enjoy writing, write.

If you enjoy helping people, help them.

If you have dreams that are good and permissible, do not bury all of them simply because you are now in love.

Marriage is not supposed to mean that your life has ended.

It means a new chapter has begun.

WHEN YOU START LIVING FOR APPROVAL

One of the clearest signs that you are losing yourself is when you can no longer make a decision without asking:

"Will he like this?"

You want to wear something, but you think about his reaction.

You want to study something, but you think about his reaction.

You want to visit someone, but you think about his reaction.

You want to express an opinion, but you think about his reaction.

You want to say no, but you think about his reaction.

Eventually, you are not living according to your values.

You are living according to someone else's moods.

That is not what self-worth looks like.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are not hatred.

Boundaries are not rebellion.

Boundaries are not a declaration that you do not love someone.

Sometimes a boundary simply says:

"I love you, but I cannot accept this."

"I respect you, but I disagree."

"I want our marriage to work, but this problem needs to be addressed."

"I forgive you, but I need time to heal."

"I am willing to compromise, but I cannot abandon my principles."

These statements do not destroy love.

They can actually protect it.

Because resentment grows when people repeatedly cross boundaries without communication.

A woman who never speaks about what hurts her may eventually become full of anger.

And by the time she finally speaks, the problem may have grown far beyond what it originally was.

DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU DISAPPEAR

Sometimes women realize too late that they have been unhappy for years.

They look back and remember the woman they used to be.

She had dreams.

She laughed.

She had friends.

She had goals.

She had confidence.

She knew what she believed.

Then she fell in love.

And little by little, she gave everything away.

Not because anyone demanded it.

Because she thought that was what love required.

Please understand this:

Love does require sacrifice.

Marriage requires compromise.

Family requires responsibility.

But sacrifice is not the same as self-destruction.

Compromise is not the same as surrendering your identity.

Responsibility is not the same as becoming someone's possession.

YOU CAN LOVE AND STILL HAVE A LIFE

There is nothing wrong with having a life outside your relationship.

In fact, it can make you a healthier person within the relationship.

Have friends who are good for you.

Maintain family relationships where possible.

Learn something.

Work if you are able and it is appropriate for your circumstances.

Exercise.

Rest.

Read.

Create.

Travel when possible.

Help others.

Spend time alone.

Make du'a.

Study your religion.

Build yourself.

A woman does not become less devoted to her husband simply because she has interests beyond him.

And a husband should not feel threatened by the fact that his wife is a complete human being with thoughts, interests, abilities, and aspirations.

Two complete people can build one home.

WHEN MARRIAGE BECOMES YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY

Some women introduce themselves through their relationships.

"My husband."

"My children."

"My family."

And there is nothing wrong with being proud of those relationships.

But there should still be a woman underneath those titles.

Who are you?

What do you believe?

What are you learning?

What are you becoming?

What kind of servant of Allah are you trying to be?

What kind of character are you developing?

What good are you trying to contribute to the world?

Those questions matter.

Because one day, every worldly title will be stripped away.

The only thing that will remain is you and Allah.

DO NOT LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN YOUR AKHIRAH

This is where love needs boundaries.

If loving someone requires you to abandon Allah, step back.

If keeping someone requires you to commit what Allah has forbidden, step back.

If pleasing someone requires you to betray your principles, step back.

If fear of losing someone has become greater than fear of displeasing Allah, step back.

That does not mean you have to stop loving them immediately.

It means you have to put the love back in its proper place.

A person can be precious to you without becoming your purpose.

A person can be your greatest companion without becoming your god.

A person can be the love of your worldly life without becoming more important than your Hereafter.

WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES

One of the reasons women become afraid to be themselves is the fear that someone will leave.

"What if he doesn't like me anymore?"

"What if he finds someone else?"

"What if he divorces me?"

"What if I am alone?"

These fears are real.

But you cannot build a peaceful life around preventing every possible loss.

People can leave.

Marriages can end.

People can change.

Circumstances can change.

And sometimes, despite everything you did, you cannot control another person's decision.

That is why your foundation cannot be another human being.

If your entire identity is attached to someone, their departure can feel like the death of you.

But if Allah is your foundation, heartbreak can wound you without destroying your entire existence.

YOU WERE A PERSON BEFORE YOU WERE LOVED

Before he noticed you, you existed.

Before he proposed, you existed.

Before he called you beautiful, you existed.

Before he said he wanted you, you had worth.

Before marriage, you had a purpose.

And if marriage ends, that purpose does not disappear.

Never let a relationship rewrite your understanding of your own value.

A man can love you.

A man can reject you.

A man can marry you.

A man can divorce you.

A man can praise you.

A man can criticize you.

None of these things determine your ultimate worth.

Your worth is not something another human being has the authority to give or take away.

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO RETURN TO YOURSELF

If you ever realize that you have lost yourself in loving someone, do not hate yourself for it.

Come back.

Return to Allah.

Return to your prayers.

Return to your goals.

Return to the people who genuinely care about you.

Return to learning.

Return to taking care of yourself.

Return to the woman you were before fear convinced you that you had to become someone else to be loved.

And if you have changed for the better through a relationship, keep the growth.

You do not have to return to exactly who you were.

Become someone wiser.

Someone stronger.

Someone more conscious of Allah.

Someone who understands love better.

Someone who knows that kindness does not require weakness.

Someone who understands that marriage does not require disappearance.

Someone who can love without becoming lost.

THE KIND OF LOVE I WANT

I do not want a love that requires me to disappear.

I do not want to become smaller so someone else can feel bigger.

I do not want to spend my life trying to prove that I deserve to be loved.

I want a love in which two people can grow.

A marriage where both people remember Allah.

A relationship where respect does not disappear when disagreement begins.

A home where communication is possible.

A marriage where I can be a wife without forgetting that I am also a servant of Allah.

A love where I can give without being emptied.

A love where I can sacrifice without being destroyed.

A love where I can be vulnerable without losing my dignity.

A love where I can say, "I need you," without believing, "I cannot exist without you."

There is a difference.

DON'T LOSE YOURSELF TO KEEP SOMEONE

If someone only loves the version of you that never disagrees, never says no, never has needs, never has dreams, and never asks questions, then perhaps they are not loving you.

Perhaps they are loving your obedience to their expectations.

And you deserve to be known more deeply than that.

You deserve to be loved as a real human being.

Imperfect.

Learning.

Growing.

Sometimes wrong.

Sometimes tired.

Sometimes emotional.

Sometimes strong.

Sometimes weak.

But still worthy of dignity.

So love.

Love sincerely.

Love generously.

Love your husband.

Love your family.

Love your friends.

But do not love someone until you lose yourself.

Because the moment you lose yourself completely, you are no longer simply loving another person.

You are abandoning someone Allah entrusted to you too:

You.

And you are responsible for that soul.

Know yourself.

Protect yourself.

Strengthen yourself.

Return to Allah.

Build your life.

And when love comes, let it meet you as a whole woman—not as someone waiting for another human being to give her a reason to exist.

You can love someone deeply.

You can build a beautiful marriage.

You can give your heart.

But leave enough of yourself intact to remember where your heart truly belongs.

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