KNOW YOUR WORTH

Love Right, Live Right

By Naya Bloom

CHAPTER FIVE

LOVE RIGHT

Love is one of the most beautiful things Allah has placed in the human heart.

It can make an ordinary day feel meaningful. It can make us patient when we would normally walk away. It can make us willing to sacrifice, forgive, support, and care for another person.

But love is also something we must learn to handle.

Because not every kind of love is healthy simply because it feels strong.

Sometimes we praise the intensity of love without asking where that love is taking us. We say, "I love him so much," as though the size of the feeling automatically makes it beautiful.

It does not.

A love that brings you closer to Allah can be beautiful.

A love that makes you abandon Allah is dangerous.

A love that teaches you mercy can be beautiful.

A love that makes you destroy another person can become ugly.

A love that makes you better can be a blessing.

A love that makes you lose yourself can become a burden.

This is why we must learn not only how to love, but how to love rightly.

LOVE HAS A PLACE

Islam does not teach us to become emotionless.

We are allowed to love our parents. We love our children. We love our spouses. We love our friends. We can feel affection for people, enjoy their company, miss them when they are gone, and feel pain when we lose them.

The problem is not loving people.

The problem begins when love takes a place that belongs only to Allah.

There is a difference between loving someone deeply and worshipping someone.

A woman can love her husband without obeying him in disobedience to Allah.

She can love him without believing that her entire existence depends on him.

She can miss him without thinking she cannot survive without him.

She can be loyal to him without betraying her faith.

She can respect him without treating him as though he is infallible.

She can make sacrifices for him without sacrificing her relationship with Allah.

That is what it means to love with boundaries.

LOVE ALLAH FIRST

Before we learn how to love a husband, we need to understand Who deserves the greatest love in our hearts.

Allah says:

"Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ 'If you ˹sincerely˺ love Allah, then follow me; Allah will love you and forgive your sins. For Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'"

— Qur'an 3:31

Love for Allah is not merely a sentence we say.

It changes how we live.

If I say I love Allah, but a relationship makes me deliberately disobey Him, I need to stop and ask myself what kind of love I am protecting.

If I say I love Allah, but I am willing to abandon my principles because I am afraid a man will leave me, I need to examine my heart.

If I say I love Allah, but I am willing to hurt another woman, lie, betray, or commit something forbidden just to keep a man, then something has gone wrong.

Allah must remain above every created being.

That is not because human love is worthless.

It is because Allah is our Creator, and every other love exists within the life He has given us.

THE PROPHET ﷺ AND THE PLACE OF LOVE

The Prophet ﷺ said:

"None of you will have faith till he loves me more than his father, his children and all mankind."

— Sahih al-Bukhari 15

This teaches us something profound about the order of love.

A believer's love for the Messenger of Allah ﷺ is not supposed to compete with love for Allah; rather, loving and following the Messenger ﷺ is part of faith.

Human beings can be deeply loved, but no human being becomes greater than Allah.

No husband.

No wife.

No parent.

No child.

No friend.

No celebrity.

No leader.

No person we admire.

The heart can love people deeply while still knowing exactly Who is above everyone.

WHEN LOVE BECOMES A TEST

Sometimes the person we love becomes the very thing through which we are tested.

This is where knowing yourself becomes important.

If you know yourself, you know what you believe.

You know that death is real.

You know that the Day of Judgment is real.

You know that Jannah is real.

You know that Jahannam is real.

You know that one day you will stand before Allah alone.

So when someone enters your life and you love him deeply, you do not suddenly forget all of that.

You remember.

You may love him.

But you also love your akhirah.

You may want him.

But you also want Allah's pleasure.

You may fear losing him.

But you fear displeasing Allah more.

That is what protects love from becoming destructive.

DO NOT MAKE A MAN YOUR GOD

This may sound like a harsh statement, but the principle behind it is important.

Sometimes a woman can become so emotionally dependent on a man that his approval determines everything.

If he is happy, she is happy.

If he is angry, she cannot function.

If he praises her, she feels valuable.

If he criticizes her, she feels worthless.

If he stays, she believes she has a future.

If he leaves, she believes her life is over.

That is not simply love.

That is an unhealthy dependence on another human being.

And no human being was created to carry that position in your heart.

A husband can be your companion.

He can be your comfort.

He can be someone you trust with your deepest feelings.

He can become one of the most important people in your life.

But he is still a servant of Allah.

And so are you.

LOVING YOURSELF DOES NOT MEAN WORSHIPPING YOURSELF

There is another misunderstanding we need to address.

When I say, "Love yourself," I do not mean becoming selfish, arrogant, or obsessed with yourself.

Islam does not teach us to make the self the center of existence.

When I say love yourself, I mean know yourself well enough to protect yourself.

Know what can destroy your faith.

Know what can destroy your dignity.

Know what can lead you away from Allah.

Know your weaknesses.

Know your boundaries.

Know what you will not compromise.

Know that your soul has a destination.

That is the kind of self-love I am talking about.

It is the love that makes you say:

"I will not destroy myself just because I am afraid someone will leave."

"I will not commit a sin just to keep a relationship."

"I will not fight another woman for a man."

"I will not humiliate myself to make someone love me."

"I will not allow heartbreak to make me abandon Allah."

"I will not exchange my akhirah for temporary affection."

LOVE SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU COMPETE

A woman who knows her worth does not need to fight another woman for a man's attention.

This is especially important when discussing polygyny.

If a man is married to more than one woman within what Islam permits, that does not mean the wives have been instructed to destroy one another emotionally.

A husband should fear Allah.

He should not enjoy watching women compete for his attention.

He should not deliberately create jealousy simply because it makes him feel powerful.

And a woman should not allow jealousy to turn her into someone she does not recognize.

You do not have to prove that you are more beautiful.

You do not have to prove that you are more obedient.

You do not have to prove that you are more deserving.

You do not have to insult another woman to make yourself feel important.

Your worth was never determined by defeating another woman.

THE HADITH ABOUT LOVING WITH MODERATION

There is a beautiful teaching attributed to the Prophet ﷺ in Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi:

"Love your beloved moderately, perhaps he becomes hated to you someday. And hate whom you hate moderately, perhaps he becomes your beloved someday."

— Jamiʿ at-Tirmidhi 1997

This narration is graded Hasan by Darussalam, and the wording itself teaches an important principle: do not allow your emotions to become so extreme that they control your judgment. 0

Love someone, but remain sensible.

Admire someone, but remember that they are human.

Trust someone, but do not become blind to their character.

Forgive someone, but do not confuse forgiveness with allowing repeated harm.

Care for someone, but do not make their approval the foundation of your existence.

Strong emotions do not require weak judgment.

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE, DON'T STOP SEEING THEM CLEARLY

One of the dangers of intense love is idealization.

You stop seeing the person as they are and begin seeing them as you want them to be.

Everything they do becomes acceptable.

Their mistakes become excuses.

Their red flags become misunderstandings.

Their disrespect becomes "he is just stressed."

Their dishonesty becomes "maybe there is a reason."

And because you love them, you keep moving the boundary.

Eventually, you may wake up and realize that you have spent years defending someone from the consequences of behavior you would never have accepted from anybody else.

Love should not make you blind.

If anything, healthy love should make you more honest.

You should be able to say:

"I love you, but this is wrong."

"I respect you, but I cannot participate in this."

"I care about you, but I will not allow you to mistreat me."

"I want this marriage to work, but we need to address this problem."

That is not a lack of love.

That is mature love.

LOVE DOES NOT MEAN OBEYING EVERYTHING

Marriage comes with responsibilities.

A wife has responsibilities toward her husband, just as a husband has responsibilities toward his wife.

A woman can respect her husband.

She can obey him in what is right.

She can care for him.

She can support him.

She can make sacrifices for the marriage.

But love does not turn haram into halal.

If someone asks you to disobey Allah, you do not obey simply because you love him.

If someone pressures you into something forbidden, you do not call that sacrifice.

If someone demands that you abandon your principles to prove your love, you do not have to comply.

The person who genuinely loves you should not want your love to become a reason for your destruction.

DON'T CONFUSE SUFFERING WITH LOVE

Sometimes women are taught that the more they suffer for someone, the more genuine their love must be.

That is not always true.

You can suffer because you love someone.

But suffering itself is not proof that the relationship is good.

A woman can endure years of unhappiness and still be in an unhealthy marriage.

A man can sacrifice financially and still mistreat his wife emotionally.

A wife can give everything she has and still be neglected.

Love is not measured only by how much pain you can tolerate.

Sometimes loving someone means trying to repair the relationship.

Sometimes loving someone means forgiving.

Sometimes loving someone means setting a boundary.

And sometimes, when a marriage can no longer be repaired, loving rightly means accepting that separation may be healthier than continuing to destroy one another.

Love should be guided by truth, not merely by attachment.

WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES

This is one of the hardest lessons about love.

People can leave.

Even people who promised to stay.

Even people you thought would be part of your life forever.

Even people you prayed for.

Even people you built a home with.

That possibility does not mean you should refuse to love.

It means you should remember Who remains when every human being eventually leaves.

Allah remains.

Your relationship with Him matters.

Your soul matters.

Your akhirah matters.

So when someone leaves, grieve.

Cry if you need to.

Allow yourself to feel what happened.

But do not let one person's departure convince you that your entire life has ended.

You existed before them.

Allah knew you before them.

And Allah will still know you after them.

LOVE WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

A woman should be able to say:

"I love you."

And still say:

"I need to pray."

"I cannot do that because Allah has forbidden it."

"I disagree with you."

"I need time."

"This hurt me."

"I need us to talk about this."

"I will not accept this treatment."

"I need to protect my peace."

"I forgive you, but we still need to solve the problem."

That is not selfishness.

That is knowing where love ends and where responsibility begins.

LOVE RIGHT

Perhaps loving rightly can be summarized simply.

Love Allah above everything.

Love the Messenger ﷺ.

Love your family.

Love your spouse.

Love your children.

Love your friends.

Have mercy on people.

Forgive.

Give.

Care.

Be loyal.

Be kind.

But never turn another human being into the center of your worship.

Never allow love to make you abandon your faith.

Never allow attachment to make you abandon your dignity.

Never allow jealousy to make you harm another woman.

Never allow fear of losing someone to make you lose yourself.

And never believe that the deepest love is the love that consumes everything else.

The deepest love is not necessarily the loudest one.

Sometimes it is the love that knows its limits.

The love that says no when saying yes would be sinful.

The love that forgives without becoming foolish.

The love that remains kind without becoming weak.

The love that gives without destroying itself.

The love that can release someone without believing that Allah has abandoned it.

YOUR HEART NEEDS A HIERARCHY

There should be an order in your heart.

Allah first.

Then love for His Messenger ﷺ in the way that faith requires.

Then the people Allah has entrusted to you, each according to their place and rights.

And within all of that, you must remember your own responsibility before Allah.

When that order is right, love becomes safer.

You can love a husband deeply without worshipping him.

You can love a child without making the child your entire identity.

You can love a parent without obeying them in disobedience to Allah.

You can love a friend without following them into wrongdoing.

You can love someone who has hurt you without allowing them to hurt you again.

That is freedom.

Not freedom from love.

Freedom from becoming a prisoner of it.

LOVE SHOULD BRING YOU CLOSER TO WHAT IS GOOD

The Qur'an teaches that genuine love for Allah is connected to following the Messenger ﷺ and seeking Allah's forgiveness. 1

So perhaps one of the questions we should ask about every important relationship is:

"What is this love making me become?"

Am I becoming more patient?

More honest?

More merciful?

More responsible?

More grateful?

More conscious of Allah?

Or am I becoming jealous?

Desperate?

Dishonest?

Possessive?

Cruel?

Neglectful of my prayers?

Willing to do anything to keep someone?

The answer tells you something.

Because love is not only about what you feel for someone.

It is also about what that love produces in you.

A FINAL REMINDER

You do not have to stop loving.

You do not have to become cold.

You do not have to pretend that relationships do not matter.

You do not have to stop hoping for marriage.

You do not have to stop dreaming about companionship.

You simply have to learn to put everything in its proper place.

Love deeply.

But love wisely.

Give.

But do not destroy yourself.

Forgive.

But do not abandon wisdom.

Respect.

But do not surrender your principles.

Be loyal.

But remain loyal to Allah first.

And if you ever find yourself standing between the person you love and the command of Allah, remember who gave you the heart with which you love in the first place.

The goal is not to love less.

The goal is to love right.

Because the woman who knows how to love rightly does not become less capable of loving.

She becomes harder to destroy through love.

And perhaps that is one of the greatest forms of self-respect:

To love someone with your whole heart while still remembering that your heart ultimately belongs to Allah.